Your dad touched me again.
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
I just don't understand how she's willing to go through so much planning and effort just to get a dick inside of her
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
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