dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
it's not cheating when I paid for it
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
Hello my rib-scented angel!
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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