I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
at first I thought it was funny, but looking at it now, it screams "dramatic" and "medicated wipes."
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Randomize
