I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
I threw away my jacket instead of washing it, the jungle juice stained me more of shame than red food coloring... i have never been that white girl wasted before...
Also, beer. Big fan.
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
Randomize
