Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
there's a barbecue in the shower. I'd like to know who got this to fit inside perfectly. impressive
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
