If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
We bought a pool from walmart at 2am...and to make matters even more white trash we headed to Applebee's for half off appetizers and corona-ritas
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Randomize
