dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
The topic of sex in the jamba banana suit has come up on multiple occasions. We're just waiting for a moment to try it out.
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
Randomize
