you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
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