dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
The topic of sex in the jamba banana suit has come up on multiple occasions. We're just waiting for a moment to try it out.
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you donโt have to recycle anymore ๐๐
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
Randomize