my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
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