Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
Well if I fail my finals for being drunk on Cinco De Mayo there is always next year to graduate.
You said that last year...
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
Okay so the couple who keep propositioning people for threeways are def siblings not bf/gf
So are you gonna do it or no you said they're hot
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
Randomize
