My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
he said he's going to burn things and pack his stuff. he may leave tomorrow supposedly but i doubt it
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
He ate me out in a golf cart while I watched the sunset. You are so right, golf skirts do provide amazing access.
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