If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
The last thing i remember is saying breakfast beer and carrying the keg to my room and locking the door.
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
I fill condoms, not promises.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
Randomize
