apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
I'm pretty sure I have enough material at this point to start a blog called Guys I've Banged in Pictures together. Why does this keep happening to me!
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
can we for just one second remember that I played with a homeless man's rat at st marks?
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
Randomize
