OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
Randomize
