you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
One of these days I would like to go out drinking and stick to plan of just getting drunk and not be sidetracked with other people's plans of doing drugs along the way. I didn't even want to not feel my teeth tonight but here we go just another Thursday night when you live I live
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