I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
Randomize
