I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
You say "I'm in class" like it matters... I'm getting a little tired of having to smoke by myself at 4:20 because you're in class.
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Randomize
