This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
Randomize
