I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
He looked way older than 15. He probably thought that since I have braces I was 15. Fuck. The 6 year age gap is never to be spoken about. Especially because what happened constitutes as illegal.
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
Randomize
