My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
I'm thankful she wil die Alone. And I'm thankful I slept wiht her cousin. And brother.
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
Randomize
