Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
I'm just hitting the tip of the iceberg on accents for this trip...so basically my panties are done for.
why does every cop we meet know your name?
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
