He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
Had a 3 sum last night, and today food just taste better and the air seems so much fresher!
this guy jus got head in a gas station bathroom from this fat chick with one leg
gross dude. was the guy blacked out drunk or something?
yeah and it only cost me 6 dollars
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
After what u did to that bathroom I think the $30 and the "sorry I'm a jackass" note was the thing to do.
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
Randomize
