i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
Is it cheating if its a threesome? This is more like a party game than infidelity.
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
i doubt you are even in possession of a crowbar.
I suggest you not find out the hard way
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
Randomize
