I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
Apparently when you order 'bottomless fries' at red robin that doesnt mean you can go around to every table and eat all the fries you want off other peoples plates.
no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
Do you think the party boat will still go out if there is a hurricane?
Help. All alone. Room is. Changing colors. Dance party 2010, but without dancing.
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
Randomize
