Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
theyre selling pepper spray in the courtyard. hellooo atl
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
Im just a social blackout drinker.
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
Randomize
