You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
I didnt expect it either. But she was there and I had a boner, so i made it happen.
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
I dont know which is weirder.. the fact that i just watched our mom kick ass at beer pong and ride the pole like a true fire girl or the fact that ive never felt closer to her in my life.
Randomize
