never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
Too late. I'm going over there. I'm a bad example for all women: Do as I say, not who I do.
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
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