when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
you should be back in the room by now but just so you know. you passed out at the black jack table and they wheel chaired you out. strip club in about 45 minutes. game face bro.
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
I'm sorry but that single bed couldn't hold all five of us, especially with those boobs.
With a few pieces of metal and duct tape and a bong was created
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
