If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
Is that strawberry winking at me??
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