my shit smells like andre
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
I just had a flash of memory of me asking all of the girls if they were on their periods. If they said yes I said it made us moon sisters.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
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