Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
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