i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
Randomize
