Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
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