I'll just stay a virgin forever then
You still have to go anyway
Then I guess I'll have to start sleeping around
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
The forest. Magic mushrooms. Wind trees leaves sky. That is alll.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
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