if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
Stay away a while longer.
Still not sure if they're cops or strippers.
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
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