How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
3 inches of snow, below zero windchill and i just saw a dude in a wrangler with no doors, shorts a beanie and burton snow goggles. God i love college in colorado
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
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