i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
I just did the walk of shame..with a blanket and a cup that says i will out drink all you bitches. This was not how i pictured 25.
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
Randomize