Can i come over
After you called me a desperate slut? No
Come over
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
If a Romanian girl's marriage isn't considered legal in the US then she's fair game right?
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
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