Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
nah, shes just mad because we went through all her fb pics and tagged her crotch as all the guys shes fucked
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
If Bret Micheals dies..will VH1 have to go off the air?
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
Randomize
