I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
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