i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
idk what id do withouhrh yoy btro
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
Randomize