Luol and I just scored with two 40 year old married chicks. They dropped us off on the way to soccer prctic. The kids in the back were confused. Call me.
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
My recently uploaded pictures to facebook: Me partying on Beale St. with a single girl on each arm. Ex's recently upload pictures: Several pictures of cats. I win.
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Randomize