So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
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