walkin around the woods blazed, drawing pictures of trees and plants, i get a grade for this
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
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