I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
he recorded me cumming with the t-pain app on his iphone
let me put it this way. im never saying "join in or get out" again unless i know whos in the room.
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
Randomize
