I think I won the penis lottery.
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
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