I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
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