just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
Pregaming for shuffle board at 10 AM. I love spring break.
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
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