I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
You were pretty fucked up... decided playing hopscotch down the stairs was an excellent idea.. it was extremely entertaining
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Randomize
