I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
ya ever know whats down there. always send some fingers in first to scout the situation. fingers are not used for pleasure. they're used for covert missions.
you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
Randomize
