Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
you will always have a special place in my vag
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
we went to go get waffles and then i sucked his dick in a parking lot. average tuesday.
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
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