I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
Hello my rib-scented angel!
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
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