How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
Randomize