I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
Chilling. The soap was talking at one point if I rememeber right...
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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