At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
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