My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
slut bingo starts in ten minutes ...
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
Randomize