She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
Randomize
